I was never a chap, but it sounds better when using “wee.” Anywhos, like any story of life, humiliation, reckless times and experience there is a beginning. I find it to be only natural to expose a bit of my youth to somehow explain my current state and to perhaps bring a little more understanding to how and why shit is weird as hell. And so it begins….
When I was younger as you do, you think you are just a normal little mini-person cruising around like “Hey, look at me, I’m doing shit.” Like walking and coloring, things everyone else can do relatively easily. Looking back I think I was under a false impression that I was that mini-person just cruising around doing shit. I think I was very different, borderline weirdo. I grew up with the most wonderful family you could ask for, in a beautiful home and the world at my fingertips. I used those fingertips to build an array of useless shit to ornament the backyard with. I remembering building a water well out of a trashcan and some log things taped together with a bucket pulley (that I would just fill up from inside with tap water or it would rain..). I would only drink water out of this as I was convinced we lived in the medieval ages. I was pretty impressed with myself that I was able to bring water to my fellow countrymen (Mom & Dad). I also spent 2 weeks digging a large hole in our backyard because I thought we could do with a pool. I lined the pool with a tarp that I then anchored down with rocks, and wallah! pool. done. whateves. (money$$). Lastly, there was my tree house. Which was not in a tree but rather placed behind a large bush, it was my pride and joy. Everyday I would paint it…everyday. Due to its unnecessary amount of paint, a thick layering covered it and the house became very small and when inside you would kind of just stick to the walls a bit, so it wasn’t that fun.
After I royally ‘effed up the back yard I switched over to a more promising career of “indoor mayhem.” Mary and I (Mary was my favorite doll who also was life-sized and 3 ft tall, aka the largest thing on earth) would have action packed days of putting on plays, playing cash register lady, playing teacher and giving out grades to invisible students (Zach always got F’s, wonder where Zach is now..) and playing homeless (yes, homeless). I was infatuated with the idea that people lived outside, just will nills wherever they wanted to. Thus catapulting my “homeless phase.” I would dress up in rags head to toe, coating myself in about 15 layers of brown clothing and face paint my face with brown paint to recreate dirt smudges.
Mary would also be dressed in hobo-like attire and then we would hit the streets to panhandle (by streets I mean the living room or the trunk of my mom’s Volvo station wagon). Mary and I would sit in the trunk of the car when my mom took her groceries in and panhandle like shit. “Listen, we know you have money, you just went grocery shopping, pay up.” I think my parents just hoped I wouldn’t do the homeless thing when they had dinner guests over, panhandling should be reserved for family members only I was not to harass guests. Other than that I don’t think they minded that much but probably hoped I would play princess or something like everyone else.
Leading with my homeless infatuation I would step it up to the next level and I had now been promoted to a live-in maid with my best friend Lida. We decided we would work in the basement quarters of her house and continuously wash everything, by hand (like that Cinderella chick). Even the clothes her real nanny had already washed (fwarks, she must have hated us). With this endless laundry charade we would sing “We work all day, but we get no pay” that was it, that was the whole game. (wtf?). After what seemed like months of living the hard life (for no other reason then inflicting a life of peasantry upon ourselves) we wanted to develop a more lucrative career so we pursued the theatrical arts. Nearly every weekday we would put on a performance ranging from “Random Shit We Made Up” to “Peter Pan.” Peter Pan was by far my favorite merely due to the fact that I created this hanging harness made out of sheets that draped from the ceiling that Lida was strapped into and would kind of swing around in a circle for a few minutes thus recreating Peter Pan’s flying sequence. I must say, epic rendition of Peter Pan. “Random Shit We Made Up” would consist of a few lines we read off a piece of paper, one brilliant stage entrance and then 5-10 minutes of cracking up laughing hysterically about nothing. I would also charge a fee for family members to attend these plays that they probably didn’t want to go in the first place. But on the other hand being an adult now (craps, I’m an adult), I’m sure they were actually funny as shit. Really? this is what you spent all afternoon doing? Kudos.
Among many things, there is one thing I remember being absolutely hilarious when I was young. And that was Rissa, my cat. She was old as shit like 21 or something and had dementia. She spent most of my youth sleeping in a drawer in the kitchen or getting lost in the basement. People would come over and they would be looking for something. “Oh, I’ll just grab a fork from over here” dumdy-doo-lala-loo “Oh! ..there’s a cat….” “Umm..sorry, I’ll just close this up for you..” (whhaha wtf?). That wasn’t her only trick of the trade. My brother and I had this closet that was connected in the back kind of like a secret passage way. One year a family friend came to visit and I slept in the guest room and her in mine. She had closed the front door to the room and suddenly the cat was in the room (Rissa had learned how to secret passage). She would put her out the front door and poof again there she was just chilling in the room. I can imagine how weirded out she must have been until finally she mentioned to us and was like, “Hey bro, your cat just keeps on appearing in my room, its whack.” (that’s not how she talked at all she’s Danish and was like 14). Just to freak her out we told her we didn’t have a cat.
Fast forwarding a couple of years to when I had to wear head-gear. Does this still exist? Seems pretty barbaric to me now. I was lucky enough to have to wear it for a year out of my life prior to being brace-face. Come on, really? I’m a teenager, shits hard enough, do I really need to wear something fully strapped around my head, pulling the sides of my cheeks back to mold my face into this kind of frozen smile that was creepy as hell? How am I supposed to have sleepovers? Just thought I would mention I had to wear head-gear….ya know just your casual head-gear wearing, whateves. no bigs.
When it comes to cohabitation there are a few finer things then finding some solid-ass roomies. When your living quarters are comprised of people that may just be as mental as you are its like discovering a unicorn, you know they exist but shit, they are rare. This is how I feel about Alice (the Kiwi) and Una (the Irish). It all started on a an afternoon in cyberspace when I replied to a flatmate ad Alice posted online. Later that afternoon we had arranged to go on a girl-date for an opportunity to suss each other out and gauge our compatibility. Girl-date consisted of a drink at CBH (read post before this if you don’t know what this is), banter about drunken escapades, lifestyle choices, man-candies and preference in foods. Balls, girl dates are easy. I could discuss all of the above for the next 10 hours. Alice passed my mental checklist with flying colors as someone who would be able to put up with my antics, seemingly cool and most likely will not kill me in my sleep. Next came Una, Alice had also met her online (Alice, lay off the internet you scoundrel) and met her at the movie theater bar (who does that?) for a drink and a little chit-chat. How did this conversation even go? “You wanna grab a drink to meet up?” ‘Yea, sure” “How about any establishment that serves beverages?” “Sounds good” “OK, Ah yes, well meet in the upstairs lobby of the cinema” (wha?). For whatever reason I couldn’t attend, otherwise I would have put a stop to this fools errand and had us meet at place where other people go, not just weirdos. In the beginning of anything you never really know what your in for and I can tell you I would have never had guessed.
And so it begins…
There are a few things you have to know about our a apartment and they are as follows:
1. There must be at least 7% of empty space left available on the TV show recorder at all times or I’m pretty sure Alice will commit a small case of murder.
2. If we have guests over for dinner, once the dinner is over everyone must participate in a human pyramid. (smallest on top, which is always Una, she hates when we do this cause these human pyramids end up being pretty ‘effing tall.)
3. Do not go to the East Wing unless absolutely necessary. It is a long journey and we have lost many a good men.(the east wing is my room which is way in the back past the bathroom and the laundry room, we thought about putting in a water station halfway cause it is that ‘effin far away. I also have a single rose that floats around in a glass dome and loses petals until I find Belle.)
4. Whilst in the apartment, should you come across a new species of insect that looks like a miniature cow do not squash it!! It is our mini-cow, we saw him once and now wait patiently for his triumphant return.
5. We, as most apartments do, have a resident gnome who steals shit. Ours has, naturally, at least 65 single socks along with a vast collection of bobby pins and one bottle of face lotion. (I’ll get you last!)
6. Should you wake up in the morning and there be additional plants and other tree-like vegetation now in the apartment, it is OK, Alice steals greenery when shes drunk as well as milk crates and anything you can sit on.
7. Should you go into Una’s room, do not touch anything. It will fall apart into a million pieces. She does not read Ikea instructions.
8. These words cannot be used under any circumstances in the apartment or in the company of apartment residents:
Squirt or squirting
* Should you need to use these words, use as such: “Wow, this cake is the M word and S-words out chocolate goo when you cut into it.”
9. We rehearse the phone call excerpt from the Liam Neeson film, Taken nearly every night until perfection is reached.
10. Should Alice stand up abruptly and insist on making a speech, this speech will be about why she is going to bed so early and what time she has to wake up…..please ignore.
11. Nearly every appliance in the apartment has a name. So if someone says, ” Shit-man, Henry is the worst at sucking up all the couch hairballs.” Don’t be alarmed we are talking about our lame-ass vacuum.
12. Everyone in the apartment owns and wears “friendship pj’s.”
That pretty much covers it…..example of day to day behavior is as follows:
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Exhibit A: (dialogue excerpts taken from 20 minutes of casual apartment talk):
“Be honest with me, did you or did you not use my baby wipes?”
“Dance routine practice started an hour ago….”
“Whaaattt?! I spent more money on a kebab then I did on alcohol.”
“I said it needed to be “Dora the Explorer inconspicuous”…. “Yea, that’s totally legit.”
“Oh my God please perform a puppet show from behind that sheet.”
“Ah cheese wrapper, very suspecting…” “Who has cheese?” “No one. That’s why its suspecting…”
“Something about a guy in a turtleneck….ya know?”
“Do you let out one last fart before you die?” “Yea, I think so.”
(Watching Taken 2 Trailer) “This is awesome. And I don’t even know what he’s doing.”
“Look at how much steam is near my face”
“Ummmm who said you could use that bowl?”
“Listen, if your going to do anything you can continue doing the crab walk.”
Mid-afternoon Dance Sequence:
Overly Competitive Game of what they call Cluedo: (It is simply “Clue” no “-do” is needed)
After two hours of Alice saying “Ahhhh a very interesting development” after every card…I guessed first and was completely ass wrong. Alice had shown me the revolver twice already and I still guessed it was Mrs. Peacock in the Conservatory with the Revolver. I suck at this game and who’s murder are we trying to solve anyway? They never say. Oh, and Colonel Mustard can get fucked.
Gratuitous Hangover Pictures:
This weekend was unparallelled to anything I have ever experienced before. It contained all your common denominators of boozing, trying to attract the opposite sex and busting out go-to dance moves but something was different, very, very different. It all started on a casual Friday night when me and my flatmate, Alice decided, ‘eff it were gonna go out just for one or two (which typically ends you up in the 20-30 range). We have been on quite the going out hiatus and with our new found passion for red wine, we would grab the moment by its balls and indulge recklessly. It is always the nights when you plan for nothing, hope for nothing, that things fucking rip. And so it begins..
Pre-gaming session starts around 5:00 pm with a fine bottle of vintage 1973 Merlot (that’s a lie: $12.99 Riesling from LiquorLand). Who should we go out with? We have these drunk Irish neighbors that always want to hang out so after ringing up Alice like they were trying to get hold of a sex hotline we decided we would head down and meet these crazies. (Bit of a background story, one night when Alice and I were super drunk we decided we would break into their place, (the door was not locked, we just walked in) (can you have parenthesis, inside of parenthesis, inside of parenthesis?)) anywhos, we entered and wandered around thinking no one was there and then organized their unnecessary amount of mustard and ketchup bottles left available on their dining table. (wtf, why? whateves.) After that was successfully completed we ripped out a page from their yellow pages (why do these still exist?) and left them a note containing somewhat of the following)))<–I lost count of these.)
We are your neighbors in number 15. We stopped by.
You are not here. Hit us up on the flipside. whacka whacka.
Alice & Nina
(included on note: a miniature picture of two stick figures standing, holding hands.)
We wanted to leave the note lodged between their two doors, (because god-forbid they do not see this artifact containing important information) which was quite the effort and took ages, so while doing so we contemplated about just sleeping on their floor. Cause how funny would it be if they came home and two completely random people were sleeping on your floor? (I would find that hilairous-sos). After some solid thinking we decided against it merely due to the fact that their apartment smelled like musty humidity swept up inside a mildew cloud peppered with a thick mustard film wrapped up in wank tissues. Guy apartments are gross. So we left and went back up to our place. Ever since they found the note, (which made absolutely no sense) and realized we had broken in (walked into) their apartment, they deemed us as the coolest bitches around (a total of 12 people live in our building) and have made every effort to hang out, which is fair enough. So tonight we would.
Alas! back to this weekend, after 3 to 4 bottles of wine (each) our friend Livvy comes over and we head down to the Irish. Which is seriously like 7 flights of stairs below us and after twirly whirling for like an hour we finally arrive. Upon entering, we see three rather ill dressed guys chilling on their sofas with beers in hand. They greet us and we begin to recap the events of the other night. It is the hardest thing on earth to understand some Irish (just some, Una, I love you), the fucked up thing is you know they are speaking English so you cant really stand there for too long looking completely dumbfounded and like a lost baby emu. After awhile I got a few things straight, one of them is referred to as “The Cat” mainly because he sleeps on the floor and always does the dishes, after which he will fluff his tail and tussle it around the sofa bed… (yes, I know wtf, wha? that is actually what I got from the conversation). One guy is literally drunk every time we see him and he tries to get us to be as well. Yelling at us off the balcony at 11:00 am on Sunday mornings, ” Ah ye what ya doin? Why don’t you come up for a wee drink there, hey, ya, eh?” (Please no. why? not now). Lastly, we gathered that they are all pretty hilarious and would be good move to be in cohutz with the only other young people in the building.
A couple of bottles of wine later we decided to head out– the Irish aren’t coming with us and that’s cool cause were looking to creep. Due to the dodgy weather we decided to hit up our local pub-u-lar, CBH or (Coogee Bay Hotel) which is this massive establishment that is I kid you not, a hotel, pub, liquor store, giant bottle shop, club, beach bar, outdoor BBQ, restaurant, casino, sports bar and beer garden. Basically, like a giant fucked up bio-dome that you never have to leave, only things missing are an indoor traveling circus act (that doesn’t make sense) and maybe a lagoon of sorts with endangered wildlife living in it. The only time you would need to leave is if you get kicked out–which everyone does at least once because their crazy strict on the drunking laws over here. Not like in the U.S. when the only time you get thrown out is when your puke all over someones face or you punch a bartender. Here if you accidentally trip on something or have something in your eye that makes it turn pinkish-red in color (or pink eye for that matter) – you are out. The bouncers even ask you how much you have had to drink as you get finger printed (yes, fucking fingerprinted, this is like CIA, FBI shit) after you are finger print scanned in, laser eye match-detected and strip searched the bouncer will ask you how many you have had. This always throws me for a loop cause if you say just one or two then he knows your lying but if you say how much you have actually had your fucked. I usually go with… to quote my Swedish friend Elin, “2 liters of wine and some booze” which is vague enough that they don’t really know how to respond and so in you go.
The CBH is like a breeding ground for people to pick up, not in a seedy way but everyone is on the prowl… which I guess is how most bars are. But anywhos it opens up into this massive beer garden where we usually will sit first, and with all our might savagely seek out a booth closest to the most good looking wolf pack of man-candies. Once in, we will disperse immediately– some to the bathroom for those who have to pee, some to the bar to pick up drinks and others to locate our prime seating location. After all is said and done we reconvene at said booth and immediately begin to rapid-fire converse and laugh hysterically (it is our understanding that men are attracted to women who laugh a lot, finding them relaxed, free, and willy nilly).
After a brief session of laughing our heads off, the second round duty is on me and Alice, we hate going to bar. There is this one bartender who is always there, literally always, (like the gym guy) and always mentions how often we are there. We decided one night after a few cocktails that he was a spitting image of Phillip Phillips and therefore was bangin’ hot and also had a Southern twang to him (none of this is true, our beer goggles were securely on, he is Australian and he actually looks like a prepubescent teen with hair that is cut like Lego man’s) Regardless we decided to slip him a napkin with a note on it (seems like we do this a lot, fwarks.) On it was this:
Dear Mr. Dream Weaver,
We think you are the dreamiest of the weavers.
Call me. (no number was provided)
Love & Kissies,
Alice & Nina
After this note was handed over he has since then acted very differently around us and very differently around the bar. I would like to take all credit for his new found confidence but who knows. Since then he looks like a new man, I’m pretty sure he must now be using Pro-activ cause his skin looks great, his hair is now tousled in that “look I’m messy and don’t care but really my locks are purposely tendrilized and I look sexy as hell” (yes, that was the hair talking) and his collar is now always popped (which is a sure sign of confidence or douchebaggery). He shouts at the other bartenders and orders them around like peasant boys, “Hey Yo Fernando, you need to pick up these glasses, and grab me a bottle of Apple Pucker from the back while your at it” “Ladies, ladies, what can I get for you” As he leans into the bar in almost a half ballet squat thing and electric slides over to the beers on tap. “Ummm just a bottle of house white?” (who is this guy? and why is he so incredibly mobile? just stand still.) “Not a problem I’ll just fill this up for you” (ditty dum-dum no bigs, whoopa lala loo). Watching him is like watching a new born giraffe find his feet, he is all over the place and since now he can walk, exuding confidence. He continues his authoritative yells, “Oi hey Laura, these drinks wont pour themselves, lets get a move on.” Finally, after watching him for what seemed like 2 and a half hours and what was an impromptu performance of modern dance with a side show of puppetry we receive our drinks with a giant smile of (what I like to think), gratitude.
After we buy our round we decide to change scenery and hit up Selina’s, the dance club on the premises. Which most of the time is pretty ‘effin dead due to the mass amount of room (like literally it’s the size of an indoor ice rink) and small amount of patrons (7-12 people tops). Once inside, we scout out the scene and within what seems like milli-seconds Livvy is off dancing with some babe and me and Alice are left to our own devices.
We see a group of guys that we noticed outside in the beer garden and are keen to talk to them. But how? they are way over there…and this is how it began. Me, “I think we should dance over” Alice: “Like in a line?” Me: “Yea” Alice: “Alright.” If any of you have seen The Inbetweeners movie (see link if unfamiliar) this is exactly how it went.. Alice started off in their direction with strong moves and I followed close behind her in a line formation with this jutting out leg swivel with alternating sides along with a finger point towards the legs to accentuate their direction and intended path (wha?). After about two and half minutes of limbs flailing all over the place in a “so crazy it just might work” manner we finally are in the vicinity of the guys and one of them calls us over. “Oh hey.” “Hey.” “Ummm did you guys see us dance over here?” “Well, yea. You came from way over there and this place is empty” “Oh yea…well?” “Yea it was good, what are your names?” (WTF!!?? how did this work and why have I not been doing it for the last 7 years of my life? whhaaa). If I had known you could rhythmically dance over to guys and they would respond favorably I probably would be married with kids by now. We chatted with them for a while and they were cool and all but we wanted to bust out some more dance moves considering we were on this high. As we did.
The DJ’s there all suck… they insist on playing the hits from the 80’s- 90’s (wtf, WHY?) But no one really cares as it gets later and later everyone loves a good tune they can sing-a-long with and just maybe know a choreographed dance to. Enter Thriller. This pictures solidifies the idea that I am 100% the biggest weirdo. My friend Becky took this of her friend Crystal..and that is me in the background, BY MYSELF and unaware any picture is being taken. (WTF, whyyy cant I just be normal) This is when Thriller came on in the club and apparently this is my interpretation of the dance, a freak arm movement and my face actually looks like I have been time warped into the 1983 zombie video.
All in all we learned some good lessons…
1. When in doubt simply dance over
2. Never trust an Irishman nicknamed, “The Cat”
3. Always leave notes with people, especially lacking in confidence bartenders
4. Laugh all the time.
Oh and drink heaps of red wine, preferably Cab. Sav. or Merlot none of that Pinot Noir shit.