1. Girls who say, “I don’t have girlfriends.”
Okay then…. You either murdered them or you sleep with everyone’s boyfriend.
2. People who don’t curse
Let it out. Fuckity. Fuck. Fucks….you’ll feel better.
What the hell did meat do to you that you don’t want to eat it?
4. People who talk in the third person
5. LeVar Burton, former host of Reading Rainbow
He likes books way too much.
6. People who don’t like music
What the hell do you do then? Does that cut out dancing too? General merriment? Definitely not trustworthy.
7. People that sell replacement ink cartridges
I’ve been Ink Pirated (yes, that’s what it’s called) 3 or 4 times and it’s the worst. You chat to them on the phone, they record you saying “yes” completely out of context and then ship you hundreds of dollars of ink that you open and cannot return. They are liars and frauds. (I’m also aware that I’m an idiot for letting this happen repeatedly).
I know you’re slipping cocaine baggies into my suitcase so that I will be arrested at the airport.
9. People with attached earlobes
I know. I’m sorry. I just don’t.
10. Clothing tags that say, “One Size Fits All.”
Nope. Not true.
What is it and what does it want?
I would rather just hire Count Chocula to count my teeth, he seems more reliable.
13. Barry Manilow
A few things happened this week that I believe do not happen to others but strictly and violently only to me:
1. I was walking out of the metro and didn’t realize that one of the street vents blows a 50 mph wind out of it thus creating a tornado effect. While wearing an easy breezy chiffon dress feeling confident, I marched directly across said vent in front of what seemed like every single person who lives in a quarter mile radius sitting at Columbia Heights metro (20-30 people with nothing to do but stare). My dress instantly flew up – so violently that it got stuck to my face so I couldn’t pull it down for a solid 10 seconds and ended up just pulling at my hair and marching in place. For some idiotic reason, I didn’t think to move myself off the effing’ vent. I was alone and standing with a group of strangers staring at my bare pale ass. I had no one to laugh it off with so I did that weird giggle to yourself while randomly deciding to go for a jog to exit the scene quicker. Just as I was making my jog exit the walk sign turned red so I had to stand on the corner for an extra 3 minutes, shameful and buttless.
2. In retrieving ice from the ice maker, I opened the freezer door in such a way that it slammed into my right eye, bruising it quite badly. Lamest. black eye story. ever.
3. I managed to elbow my dental hygienist in the face, hard. Enough so that her plastic wood carving goggles flew off and sprung under the curtain into where the patient next door was sitting. She still said I’m a phenomenal flosser but also an asshole with much too pointy elbows. And too tall.
4. I was close-lined by a parking- gate-beam. I’m not sure how this actually happens to a person……
5. Hit in the face by one of those banner people that swirl around the cardboard cutouts while jamming to music. The pointy edge none the less.
6. Bought a vibrator and broke it immediately – having to return it the next day. It was faulty, but still……really>?
7. Lastly, I was waiting for a meeting with a vendor and when he arrived from the elevator doors I followed him into the men’s restroom thinking it was his office.