Tagged: Dating

An Inappropriate Poem

The inappropriate poem I wrote for my Secret Santa (co-worker Corina) and read aloud to everyone at the office holiday party……

DEAR SECRET SANTA:

I heard that you are Beyonce’s biggest fan,

And that you would pick her over any straight man.

A choice that I can admire and definitely agree with

Because good looking guys in D.C.?

That is one big giant myth.

I’m sure you can tell who this poem is coming from,

But I promise you it is not the tall, perpetually single one.

We have lots in common besides horrible dating,

But it is pretty bad, so I am commiserating.

We both have personalities that are always upbeat,

And share a special bond with our larger than average sized feet.

Regardless of your large feet, you are effortlessly beautiful.

You always look dashing. It’s indisputable.

After a long days work or just hanging with your dog,

I’m sure there are times when you just want to hit the grog.

I’m hoping with this gift it will make those special moments easy to open,

It wouldn’t have been pink, if the color I could have chosen.

They call it the rabbit but it’s not what you think,

It’s the best way to open your favorite beverage to drink.

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My Rabbit Dildo/Wine Opener Secret Santa Gift

Not sure why I do this to myself but I tend to make things as uncomfortable as possible. Some would say I’m bringing uncomfortable back…..actually, no one said that – ever.

This Week in the Worst of Online Dating…

Actual messages from randoms but not actual responses – I’m not an asshole.

“How about if I’m on the shorter side and really dig tall girls? I’m smart, weird, hilarious, and I also can not remember the last time I was angry. We’d get along. Let’s be mischievous and make the most of today, what do you say?”

Nope.

“Serious question: You are taking me out for sushi (for one reason or another) I am starving. You just got back from the gym and you need to get ready. How long would it take?”

A) 30 min, you look hot and I cant keep my hands off you 
B) 15 min and you look pretty cute 
C) 2 hours and I die from starvation

What the hell. Why is this happening? 

And my answer is:

D)  You can take your twisted ass math problems and get fuck’d. 

“Is it just the full moon, or do you turn into a stone cold fox every night of the week? Lol no but really, how’s it going?”

Dammit. That’s a good one.

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This is a picture of a stone cold fox when you Google “Stone Cold Fox” I guess it’s just a cold fox.

“u hot”

You didn’t even have time to write “ur?”

“Wake up in the AM, compose a tweet.”

I’m sorry, I don’t understand…are you selling something or speaking? 

“They say your choice in food tells a lot about you: given a choice between strawberries or oreos, which do you pick? Why?”

I think you’re just trying to figure out if I’m fat. Are they double stuffed oreos? Or, they just came out with Oreo stuffed Oreos. Why? Because have you ever eaten a cookie stuffed cookie?

“spying me? Lol ;)”

Haha no, I’m not spying you lol…. Wait, what the hell?

” 😉 “

What are we winking at?

G’day mate! 😉 If you are really 6’0″ tall…we owe it to the world and the NBA to get to know each other! :))

Actually, I lied about my height (why the hell would I do that?) and I don’t owe the NBA shit, let alone a giant athlete baby. 

I normally don’t contact anyone on here unless I think we have common grounds and is an interesting person. I think you fit the kind of woman that I like spending my time with and would like to get to know. So if you never dated a Haitian guy who speak Creole and French, CONFIDENT,takes trip to Europe every year, has a great career, run his own business, driven, love life to the fullest, spontaneous, and a true Capricorn, then let’s give this a try. Let’s not wait too long because im just giving this site a try and may no longer be here. 

A few things:

– Well, yes that is the point of contacting people on this – why would you contact someone you have nothing in common with and is boring as shit?

– Creole is basically French so let’s not flatter ourselves and lead people to believe we are bilingual. 

– What the ass does a “true Capricorn” mean? That you’re a goat?

You seem really CONFIDENT. I think you’ll be fine with me not responding. 

Hey, I saw your profile and thought I should say hi! 

Just to be up-front, I’m a married guy looking for a bit of a fling, hopefully with someone friendly and fun to be around. My apologies if you’re not at all interested in this. Happy to chat either way. 

“A bit of a fling” You mean like an affair? You cant call it a “fling” when you’re married. And next time you think you “should say hi!”, say hi to your wife. ooooohhhhh #youjustgotserved