There’s a man among us. A man who’s name is Douchebag McCloud. He reeks an ungodly douche scent – a pungent waft of preppy-annoying. He will be sure to trip you when you’re down, pee on you when you’re sleeping, and mock you when you’re poor… and he works in my building.

I can only suspect such douchebaggery works on the second floor – by far the douchiest floor. Second  floorers insist on taking the elevator regardless of them being located just one floor up. Almost as bad as the Bloomberg employees from the top floor penthouse, who in the elevator will talk of their free lunches, causal dress code, and peanut butter making machine. Fook you and your indulgent workplace – nobody wants to make their own peanut butter.

I despise the second floor douches slightly more than the Bloomberg boobs.  Mainly because these lazy wombats force me to spend 7% of my life riding the elevator. And between floors 1 & 2. Stopping on 2, stopping on 1, up & down, up & down.

Anyways, our douchebag extraordinaire  is a second-floorer who you can spot with half-an-eye. He’s always wearing polished penny loafers, pennies included, paired with some obnoxiously pastel outfit and a Louis Vuitton briefcase dangling over his right shoulder while speaking insanely loud in our already echoing lobby. A few of my favs went like this:

(chatting with the bro-group) “And then I was like….what budget?”  “Am I right?” Ahahhahahaha

(on the phone) “I took care of it Mr. LeaMond, I told him he was fired. F-I-R-E-D. Fired.”

“No pain in that gain – am I right fellas??” (deals out some high-fivers.)

“Wife made me lunch again today – guess where that’s going? T-R-A-S-H. Trash. Zing!”

“Hold up bros – I should probably grab my Burberry mittens – it looks chili con carne out there.”

“Eww guys…homeless people are so stinky.”

Walks by your elevator and wide steps his legs while putting both hands in gun shape and positions them towards you while the doors close, shoots them and then blows them out… “Now that is one good looking elevator…Keep up the good work ladies.”

The ‘guns up, good looking elevator’ scenario happens like once a week. I’m not sure what the motivation is – but I can only blame it on him being douchebag which makes him feel like this is something he needs to do repeatedly. We’ve already seen this – it was kind of funny in a harrassy way the first time – now, that’s enough.

I just want to go straight up to my floor without stopping on two and without a sexualized pantomime gun show. Is that so much to ask?

Now, to the epic douchebag reel –

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whatever, Scott Disick is the man.