You Have New Shitty Online Dating Messages From: DeezNuts

Just logged on to OKCupid this morning for the first time in awhile and to my surprise found these little gems.


“Happy Monday! So I noticed you’re pretty tall, so am I. That’s all I have to say about that.If you’re really good at breaking the ice, do you have a favorite way to do that or does it change substantially with the situation?”

I always break the ice like this…………………….


“What’s in your favorite Omelette? Mine would be chorizo, green peppers and onions with some extra sharp cheddar cheese thrown in the middle. BAM!”

Why are you yelling at me? Do we really need to talk about this right now? And in so much detail? Fine. This is my favorite omelette – it’s called the sleeping bear. And yes, that is his egg blanket.


“Serious question… you can only pick one. No cheating. M&M’s, Skittles, or Strawberries?”

How would I cheat? By picking two? What is with online people and asking ridiculous multiple choice food questions? – I know what this is getting at and I will not fall for it.

If I pick: 

Strawberries: I’m a slut

Skittles: I’m a slutty slut slut

M&M’s: I’m a husky slut

So, none of the above. 

“Jeez I think you are so hot that I wish I can turn into the man of your dreams lol. Corny, yes. But so true.”



“Have you ever dated guys who are not as tall as you?”

Yes and the whole time I wished I could do this to them….

If only you could mega mushroom people.

“It was the barefooted dance pic that that caused really caused the tswoonami……and I’m Joshua for the record”

I can quite honestly say that I have no fucking idea what Joshua is trying to say nor what a tswoonami is. Is that like a snackadium?

“How are you? I like your pictures. you look beautiful.”

Go on…….

“Tell me, are you as interesting as you seem? P.S. High five for the taller side…”

No, I’m not as interesting as I seem. My whole profile is surprisingly deceiving. I actually, generally suck.

“Nice profile.. care to chat? Wishing you a great day and I love the positive energy. How is online dating for you?”

I think this person has ADD. 

“Hi! Are you set on the taller side? 🙂 I’m 5’10, but I love when a girl is taller. I hope that doesn’t stop you either. So do you like omelets? Do you like them stuffed (ingredients in the middle like a burrito) or mixed in the egg batter? As you can tell I have foodie tendencies and my awesome kitchen skills 🙂 What’s your name?”

Okay, what is with the omelette questions? Some kind of “I’ll be seeing you in the morning” sexual innuendo? Yes, I like omelettes. I like them stuffed into whatever delicious burrito thing that you are talking about.

“I like activities….I like all sorts of activities. I’d like to tell you all about my fun activities. Anyway, hope you are well and hope to chat soon.”

Oh Please. Go On…

“Hi, I like your profile and also think honesty is important in any type of relationship. You’re really cute too;)”

Message from Deeznuts654

Hi, thank you Deeznuts.  I think honesty is really important too – just as important as “deeznuts.”

“I said to myself this online thing is so delicate…within two lines of the conversation you can surmise that someone is either extremely cool and fun or makes you want to delete you account and run for the ocean.We have four lines to decide if the ocean is worth running for…I’ll start…Hi :-)”

I’m sorry …who’s delicate? Who said the four lines? Do we want to run for the ocean or is that a bad thing? Just based on this alone, I assume you deleted your account and ran for the ocean.

“I’m in NoVa during the summer / holidays, and I’ll be in DC next week on a party bus… Let’s meet at one of the bars! Oh and I’m a great conversationalist… I pride myself on it so much so that I leave just about every detail about myself up to being learned via conversation. Last time I checked we don’t get flash cards about people when we meet them haha. Anyways, I’m sure the fact that I’m 6’6 already piques your curiosity (I hope)… So let me reiterate how neat it would be to meet you next weekend! Hope you can make a cameo.”

Why would I ever, in the history of time – meet anyone at a bar that is a stop on a party bus crawl that I’m not actually participating in? Wouldn’t you just have to leave shortly thereafter? No need to reiterate – anything. Anything at all.

Howdy-Any fun travels this summer?
In brevity,

I spit on your brevity. Pppft-a-too.


  1. Pingback: 25 Problems Every Short Man Faces In His Life | SaltyPepper
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