Male Body Hair and “the Squirrel”

A friend of mine brought this to my attention. I’m a huge advocate of guys and beards – they look rustic and manly. With that being said, in recent pasts there has been an upheaval of men growing chin curtains, chinstraps, muttonchops, fu manchus, goat patches, goatees, handlebar mustaches, horseshoe mustaches, soul patches (one of the worst ones – maybe as bad as Nickleback is a band),  pencil mustaches and the dreaded neck beards. This was not the idea in mind when women think about the rustic-ness, the manly, and the wood chopping out back before supper. This is a whole new generation of distasteful things that you can grow out of your face – who knew!? Fascinating. It’s like science.

Let’s address the neck beard – “A beard which does not include any hair on the face, but includes the hair of the neck, or under the jaw, or both.” This is both alarming and throw-up-able. I don’t know how these happen – does the neck just grow the beard itself? Is it manicured immediately should any beard try to grow in normal places?  It’s like a half ass lion mane – without the lion or the mane part. Or a hair scarf. It’s ugly. See below for ugliness – although, the one below has a great shot of that bamboo ladder and you can kind of get lost in his eyes…until you see the neck beard.

Neck Beard Bamboo Ladder

Neck Beard Bamboo Ladder


Neck Beard+Red Head = Bad Life Choices

Pencil Mustache – the most skeevey and pedophilely of all men’s facial hair – “A Pencil Mustache is one which is very thin, usually just above the line of the upper lip. It is supposed to look narrow enough to have been drawn on with a pencil (or eyeliner). Often a man wearing a Pencil Mustache will shave the area above it to accentuate the remaining hair.” And why would he do this? I feel like the upper lip is just screaming, “Can we fuck off already? Why are you all up in my business when you got the whole face to work with?” “Newsflash: Hair doesn’t need to be right here and no where else.”



These overtly strange beards are not the point. In addition to mass facial hair growing, it seems as though men are just getting progressively hairier in general. Maybe a case of reverse revolution – who knows (science again). Body hair, also referred to as androgenic hair,  is something that needs to be addressed – openly, widely, and possibly with hot wax.

“The Squirrel” is something that has been brought to my attention and is incredibly hard to miss. A lower back gathering of hair that is long enough to braid and thick enough to perm. A nestle of fluffy hair placed right above the buttox as though to protect it. Those who shalt not be named, lets call him Miguel or Mikey for short, is the original squirrel owner. His complete apathy towards how gross it is – can only come from him not having to look at it. The moment it was coined “the squirrel” opinions should have changed. When any portion of the body is referred to as a furry woodland creature – the squirrel, possum, moose head, kola face, ant eater, wilder beast, chinchilla, and the like, I believe it is of the parties involved responsibility to remove accordingly.

If those should not like to remove, suggestions have been made to do the following:

– Jamaican bead the hair to give it a little “umph”

-Trim into some kind of logo or favorite sports team mascot

-Excessively grow hair on other body unpleasantries to detract from initial hair problem spot

-Fake your own death

-Deodorize “squirrel” as it will sweat more than rest of the body and general publics do not want to see glistening sweat in that shit

There is good news for Miguel,  28% of his countrymen share the same “squirrel” fate. Please see below…..

Frequency and Appearance of Terminal Hair in 239 Adult White Males

by Stanley Marion Garn of Harvard University 

Region Percent Region Percent
Beard 100% Abdominal
Chest 79% Lower Arm & Leg 97%
Upper Arm & Leg    85% Rear 37%
43% Lower Back or squirrel       28%
Upper Back
25% Fingers and Toes 67%


After reviewing this – – Stanley Marion Garn must be bored as hell to conduct this study and what is a sacral?

Wait, got it…gross.


UPDATE: Since this post Miguel has shaved his squirrel off.


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