1. Girls who say, “I don’t have girlfriends.”

Okay then…. You either murdered them or you sleep with everyone’s boyfriend.

2. People who don’t curse

Let it out. Fuckity. Fuck. Fucks….you’ll feel better.

3. Vegetarians

What the hell did meat do to you that you don’t want to eat it?

4. People who talk in the third person

Just…. don’t.

5. LeVar Burton, former host of Reading Rainbow

He likes books way too much.

6. People who don’t like music

What the hell do you do then? Does that cut out dancing too? General merriment? Definitely not trustworthy.

7. People that sell replacement ink cartridges

I’ve been Ink Pirated (yes, that’s what it’s called) 3 or 4 times and it’s the worst. You chat to them on the phone, they record you saying “yes” completely out of context and then ship you hundreds of dollars of ink that you open and cannot return. They are liars and frauds. (I’m also aware that I’m an idiot for letting this happen repeatedly).

8. Bellman

I know you’re slipping cocaine baggies into my suitcase so that I will be arrested at the airport.

9. People with attached earlobes

I know. I’m sorry. I just don’t.

10. Clothing tags that say, “One Size Fits All.”

Nope. Not true.

11. Heartburn

What is it and what does it want?

12. Dentists

I would rather just hire Count Chocula to count my teeth, he seems more reliable.

13. Barry Manilow

NOPE.