This Week in the Worst of Online Dating…

Actual messages from randoms but not actual responses – I’m not an asshole.

“How about if I’m on the shorter side and really dig tall girls? I’m smart, weird, hilarious, and I also can not remember the last time I was angry. We’d get along. Let’s be mischievous and make the most of today, what do you say?”

Nope.

“Serious question: You are taking me out for sushi (for one reason or another) I am starving. You just got back from the gym and you need to get ready. How long would it take?”

A) 30 min, you look hot and I cant keep my hands off you 
B) 15 min and you look pretty cute 
C) 2 hours and I die from starvation

What the hell. Why is this happening? 

And my answer is:

D)  You can take your twisted ass math problems and get fuck’d. 

“Is it just the full moon, or do you turn into a stone cold fox every night of the week? Lol no but really, how’s it going?”

Dammit. That’s a good one.

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This is a picture of a stone cold fox when you Google “Stone Cold Fox” I guess it’s just a cold fox.

“u hot”

You didn’t even have time to write “ur?”

“Wake up in the AM, compose a tweet.”

I’m sorry, I don’t understand…are you selling something or speaking? 

“They say your choice in food tells a lot about you: given a choice between strawberries or oreos, which do you pick? Why?”

I think you’re just trying to figure out if I’m fat. Are they double stuffed oreos? Or, they just came out with Oreo stuffed Oreos. Why? Because have you ever eaten a cookie stuffed cookie?

“spying me? Lol ;)”

Haha no, I’m not spying you lol…. Wait, what the hell?

” 😉 “

What are we winking at?

G’day mate! 😉 If you are really 6’0″ tall…we owe it to the world and the NBA to get to know each other! :))

Actually, I lied about my height (why the hell would I do that?) and I don’t owe the NBA shit, let alone a giant athlete baby. 

I normally don’t contact anyone on here unless I think we have common grounds and is an interesting person. I think you fit the kind of woman that I like spending my time with and would like to get to know. So if you never dated a Haitian guy who speak Creole and French, CONFIDENT,takes trip to Europe every year, has a great career, run his own business, driven, love life to the fullest, spontaneous, and a true Capricorn, then let’s give this a try. Let’s not wait too long because im just giving this site a try and may no longer be here. 

A few things:

– Well, yes that is the point of contacting people on this – why would you contact someone you have nothing in common with and is boring as shit?

– Creole is basically French so let’s not flatter ourselves and lead people to believe we are bilingual. 

– What the ass does a “true Capricorn” mean? That you’re a goat?

You seem really CONFIDENT. I think you’ll be fine with me not responding. 

Hey, I saw your profile and thought I should say hi! 

Just to be up-front, I’m a married guy looking for a bit of a fling, hopefully with someone friendly and fun to be around. My apologies if you’re not at all interested in this. Happy to chat either way. 

“A bit of a fling” You mean like an affair? You cant call it a “fling” when you’re married. And next time you think you “should say hi!”, say hi to your wife. ooooohhhhh #youjustgotserved

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