Until I realized that I could explain it – it sucks. And after I posted my hatred on facebook – it seemed as though I was not alone. I’m not only not alone but surrounded by my fellow countrymen rejoicing in the fact that all people – young and old, tall and short, smart and intelligent, beautiful and courageous – hate Virginia too.
I grew up in Maryland and now live in DC. Neither place is anything to gloat about but at least it’s not fucking Virginia. There is no bigger eye sore than staring across the beautiful flowing rapids of the brown Potomac River than having your eye gaze upon *puke* Virginia. That mushy, mosquito infected landfill that they call a river – is the only thing that keeps us from the trolls and all the world’s despair. And thank the lord for it. I know. Harsh. To be honest, I really don’t hate anything – I’m a super happy, optimistic person who always tries to find the good in things – except for Virginia. I have no idea where this festering distaste for such a caca poo-poo platter of a state comes from – probably from the same place of hate where Duke and the Dallas Cowboys live. In fact, if Mike Krzyzewski and Tony Romo moved to Virginia – we could all call it hell.
People try to sell me on it – “Oh hey, its not that bad – we have Dogfish Head bars and chain restaurants.” Or is that Germantown? Who the fuck knows – they are both equally as shitty.
“But its so much cheaper.” Well, yes. But there are reasons why shittier things are cheaper – they are shitty – chello?
Also, what is the deal with every fucking guy on every dating site living in Virginia? Is it because they are all single because no one will date people who live there? The minute I see Reston, Arlington, Alexandria, or god forbid – Manassas (Although, thank you Manassas – you have the word “ass” in your city name which is very fitting). I click next, pass, hell no, get me the fuck out of here. It will never work. I will never travel to Virginia – it would end up being a long distance relationship even though the actual commute is 10 minutes. Which is just silly.
And another thing. Why are the roads always fucked? Why does every one of them lead to a Cracker Barrel or something equally as dumb and unwanted? Where are the black people? I miss them. Why do all the drivers suck? Why are there so many tolls? To pay for more shitty things? Go shoot a gun or make a squirrel hat.
The only time I ever went to Virginia was in 2012 and to go on an date with this guy I met on a online dating site – regrettably (I know I said I never would but I did, this once). I figured considering 95% of men on dating sites live in Virginia I should maybe just give it a shot. Big Mistake. I got lost……on the metro….. I will take partial responsibility because I’m a walking, talking directional idiot but still…I blame most of it on Virginia and the universe just probably not wanting me to go there. I ended up in Franconia-Springfield. Which for anyone from around here knows that is far as fuck and at the end of the yellow/blue line. So, I was an hour late showing up to a bar I didn’t want to go to (I felt like an asshole – I’m never late and actually get anxiety attacks when I am. So I did feel bad for the guy. I felt worse for him that he lived in Virginia though.) Anyways, I finally make it to a bar called something generic like “Arlington Ale House” or “Clarendon Suck my Cock” and he’s there sitting, all five foot three of him. Now I feel like a bigger asshole. I’m six feet tall and I look like a pedophile. There’s an 80’s cover band playing (naturally). We talk about things. He’s fine. Like a person who has a head and talks out of it. Which is fine. Its just boring. I’m about to shove him in the back of my white van when I feel like I should just leave rather than get thrown in jail for stealing something I didn’t even want. I say goodnight and walk to the metro. Which is fucking closed. So I paid $40.00 to cab out of a place I despise. So long Virginia – I will never step foot in you again. Except when I travel internationally, maybe go to the Costco or Total Wine, or just now because I have to pick up something real quick. doh.
Welp. That’s all I have to say about that. Feels good.