Top 10 Weirdest messages from online dating prospects thus far:

**What is in the parenthesis are not my actual responses, just my immediate reactions**

ONE:

hi,  and what’s your name?
i was flying around here while i met your profile…
thru the air i can smell the perfume of your skin, should be unique though i image it looking at your picture in here,
you are really spontaneous person and im really attracted from you.
first of all your look is charming, deep one where i could read your soul…
however i’d like to know you much more, we’re not so near each other but
if you wish it too, well, feel free to write me back when you want.
take care
Jerome

(There are so many things to address here: You were just flying around (cyberspace I assume, not actually flying) and you could smell my perfume through the air?….my look is charming and deep..(deep?) and you could read my soul?..my profile states what music I like and how I  occasionally like to get drunk…)

TWO:

Whoa!!!! What a woman!!!!!! You made me swoon! And a fellow merlot lover;)

(please don’t address me and use the word “swoon” this is not the renaissance era, me lady..)

THREE:

love your taste in music. are you a musician?

(no.?)

FOUR:

What’s going on lol

(why is that funny?)

FIVE:

Keep the tripods behind closed doors! Just give me a stool for standing positions 😉

(Are you really going to message me for the first time about sex and how my height may impact what accessories need to be used in order to do so? wtf? Dick.)

SIX:

Hi there! I haven’t had time to complete my profile, although a bit hesitant after having a weird stalker… Anyway, a quick hello doesn’t hurt right?  Seems we have a few things in common (should we trust their algorithm system) having a good  weekend?

(weird stalker??!!! please elaborate! Fuck algorithms, I don’t trust them.)

SEVEN:

Hello sexy, my name is Lambert, question, have you ever spent hours being caressed, and massaged from head to toe while being softly kissed between every nook and cranny of your body whilst being softly spoken to in each ear how beautiful you looked, how delicious you tasted and how smooth and silky you felt?

(No, I haven’t…and I want to throw up.)

EIGHT:

I bet you are a freak 😉

(…why ?…)

NINE:

; ;

(Does anyone know what that means?)

TEN: !!!!!!!!

So I’m sure you’ll probably have very little interest in what I’m about to ask, however you’re freaking gorgeous. So here goes, I’m a fit, successful married man who is looking for one woman to basically have an affair with. For some reason the thought of sneaking around just really does it for me. I promise I could please you like you’ve never been pleased before. If you might be interested in something like this let me know and I’ll send you some pics. I’m 6’1, 180lbs, and 8.5inches. This is also probably the most ridiculous message I’ve ever sent, but seriously you look amazing.

Just wondering what sexual fantasies you’re ashamed of? Hopefully one is sleeping with a married man….fingers crossed. Again, sorry this is weird, I swear I’m not a creeper.

(How can you swear you’re not a creeper after you literally just finished being a creeper?..I feel uncomfortable….)